Episode 32 – BIRTHDAY PARTY TILL YOU PUKE

Oh, it is the most joyous of days! In this episode Brendan and Ben are joined by the third member of the Forsaken Triumvirate, Shadowsworn Adam to celebrate the birthday of the podcast you love to hate, FULL METAL RPG. We drink bubbly, we blow out candles, we recount what is best in life and what is worst. Mostly we just blather incoherently about games, but after a year… it’s what you’ve come to expect! Join us in our celebration! LISTEN NOW!

Art by Rich Nerdgore. Music by Legion and Andrew W.K.

The Shadowsworn Radio Hour – 008 – Grand Masquerade 2016

Brendan and Adam convene once again with reviews of the video presentations of the Grand Masquerade panel and subsequent Q&A. We review Forever Knight, Episode 3, and then tear into the panels. Take a listen if you haven’t seen the videos yourself, or you just want to hear or overwrought thoughts on the future and direction of White Wolf and it’s associated properties.

Music by Our Lady of Shadows, Fred Mollin, Bell, Book & Candle and In Strict Confidence

Episode 31 – Fair Game

Well here we are once again witches and wolves! In Episode 31 of FMRPG that scurrilous bastard Ben peaces out on Brendan and gaming mastermind Jim Miller gets called in as a hired gun to help keep things in order. This week the Full Metal crew is joined by the homies Richard and Darryl of the Wrecking Crew and Podcast: the Wreckening. They talk about all manners of gaming and then there’s some talk about gaming cons, especially the upcoming Arizona Game Fair. Listen in and let us know how you like the show! Thanks for tuning in cultists!

We got art my Rich Nerdgore, Music by Legion, Wolves in the Throne room and Sepultura! Get at it!

How to be a Bad Ass DM

All right, listen up fools. I’m about to drop some truth into your head holes about how to be a bad ass dungeon master, hence forth referred to as Dungeon Mastuh or DM, ‘cuz that is how a bad ass talks. They don’t have time for proper pronunciation or sounding things out in full. We have better things to do. like sneering or conditioning our leather jackets. Yeah. That is a sweet lookin’ jacket.

First up: Candles. Candle the shit out of your play space, but not so many as to actually allow people to read what is on their sheet. If the player can’t read their sheet/dice, they can’t argue with you when you tell them than no, they actually failed that save and now they are a statue. A bad ass DM doesn’t take back talk from the players. You want your gaming area to look like a medieval tavern where the owner doesn’t have enough coin for torches, despite the fact you are actually at your kitchen table in the suburbs and have proper light sources that would actually allow you to see what is going on. Ambiance, suckas.

Second: Mirror shades. Wear ’em. “But Adam, with the low light from the candles I can’t see a thing!” First off, who told you that you could speak to me? Second, you don’t need to see anything if you have ‘tude. You are a bad ass. You are making this shit up as you go along. If the lighting is bad enough, it doesn’t matter. The players can’t see a damn thing either. If you really need to catch a peek at something, you can always stare down at your players in disgust from over the top of your shades. That is what cool guys do.

Third: Fingerless gloves. Wear ’em. Also, spike your hair. That is what cool people do. If you don’t look like the villain from an 1980’s vampire flick, you are doing it wrong. Try again. Got leather pants/skirt and a mesh shirt? Even better. “But Adam, now my legs are dumping sweat and my torso is freezing!” Deal with it, cry baby. Let your players learn to avert their eyes from your dagger like nipples.

Fourth: Random acts of violence. Hit your players. They deserve it. “But Adam, battery is illegal, besides, these are my friends!” WRONG. Players are the enemy. They deserve a smack. Light ’em up. They need to FEAR you.

Fifth: Music. Crank that shit. This plays into the candle thing. If it is loud enough, the players can’t argue that you said you rolled a 19 vs their AC rather than a 20, which would hit. Oh, you couldn’t hear me over Cradle of Filth? Boo hoo. Too bad. I guess your Gnome Enchanter is DEAD. Roll up a REAL character this time, like a wandering Drow outcast suffering from depression.

Sixth: Swords. Fucking. EVERYWHERE. Got a wall? Throw a sword up on there as decoration. Or an axe. Or a shield with two swords. Basically your house better look like a weapons museum. Got kids? Too bad. They’ll learn not be touching that stuff eventually. You know, once they bleed a few times or end up short a couple digits.

Seventh: Proper session prep and story. You don’t need ’em. You are flying by the seat of your (leather) pants. You can make something up. If they players don’t like it, pretend you said something else or they weren’t listening. Or hit them. You’ve got options, is my main point.

And that, friends, is how you be a bad ass DM. Of course, if you actually want to be a GOOD DM, then you can throw all this advice out the window, because it kind of sucks. Now if you will excuse me, I need to peel myself out of these stupid pants and hope I don’t accidentally walk into a wall along the way.

Gamma World the 3rd

This is officially the session where everything went bug fuck crazy, so bear with me as I try to recall the sequence of events.

First, Sports Authority started off with butchering one of the pig men killed last session for meat. Meat which he began cooking. This attracted attention of the frog men in Golfland/Sunsplash. After much discussion about the ethics of eating other sentient creatures and the need for a pair of GODDAMN BINOCULARS, the party packed it up, and moved on to their primary objective: The warlord Baby Eater. Binoculars and ethics turned into a theme for the session.

Making their way to Fiesta Mall, they group took stock of their surroundings. Deciding a direct approach was imprudent, they used the wiles of Mae Lin and some choice cuts of pig man to lure out a couple of raiders from the mall. Killing one and capturing the other, they took their quarry to the ruins of Eyeglass World.

Sports Authority busied himself butchering the dead raider ( henceforth known as Glenn), while Mae and Krunk Mayhem interrogated the surviving raider, Don. What followed was easily a half hour exploration into the moral quandary of surviving a post apocalyptic wasteland, the ethics of serving a warlord named Baby Eater, the merits of cannibalism, why a retirement plan is important, and where to find some goddamn binoculars. It was a strange and often hilarious conversation.

Look, I’m not going to lie. There was a table playing Pathfinder behind us, and a couple of them started starring at us like we were the spawn of the devil. Like… the literal devil. As though we might start eating other gamers at the store. It was sort of great.

After deciding that maybe they were not so different after all, the party told Don they wanted to join the raider group. He told them that was great news, and happily escorted them to the Ass O Shop (Bass Pro Shop), a hunting/fishing store taken over by a group of militant right wing rednecks. The trip there was uneventful, and our intrepid “heroes?” found themselves face to face with a survivor calling himself Jeff Gordon, devotee of the Left hand path (go fast and turn left), and servant of Nasc-Ar, his cruel and ambivalent God. Jeff was willing to bargain with the group, and they offered him their bags of concrete to assist in building a racing track in exchange for whatever they wanted from the Ass O Shop.

After a shopping spree, the group finally had several binoculars, along with fishing gear, some extra ammo, a filet knife (so Sports Authority can butcher people more efficiently), a hat, camo netting, and other assorted goodies.

They made their way back toward the Fiesta Mall, and were attacked by a Parn, a massive insect creature with spikes and blades and all manner of nasty surprises.  Omega tech and alpha mutations were spent, and the Parn defeated.  Our troupe collected it’s head as an offering to Baby Eater.

Don invited the group into mall, introducing them to Baby Eater, the warlord. They talked with him for a bit, eventually agreeing to his terms. His accent kept shifting, because I’m a shitty Games Master and can’t keep track of what I’m doing.

401k discussions occurred, the party looked for gear, and Mae Lin found the captives of Baby Eater. The team entered into discussions about how best to off the warlord, eventually deciding on a doppelganger suicide bomb. Achieving amazing success on turning their five gallons of fuel into a bomb, a plot was hatched. The Parn head was retrieved, and turned into a bomb to lay low the vile warlord.

Baby Eater was blown up spectacularly, though he stumbled from the inferno before fully collapsing. Krunk Mayhem seized the opportunity to take command of the raider group, trying to rip off the head of their once leader. Failing that, he cut it free with Sports Authority’s Filet Knife and attempted to intimate the surviving raiders… and rolled a one.

Holding the head aloft, he proclaimed himself… SHIT! He dropped the head. It bounced around and chased after it, trying to aggrandize himself poorly. Mae Lin and Sports Authority started playing hype men, and managed to undo the catastrophic head bouncing  scenario. Krunk Mayhem booted the head into the distance and declared himself the leader of the gang.

Next we entered the bookkeeping and environment building segment. The people of Ookmans would be used as indentured labor, as would the “brides” of Baby Eater, though they would be left relatively free in their own homesteading at Eyeglass World. A plan for dominating the wastes of Feenix was hatched, and the party left to continue their adventure, leaving Don in charge with dire warnings not to double cross them.

The party surveyed Golfland/Sunplash, vowing to return later and defeat the frog men led by Frogespierre.

Finally, they ventured into Tem-peh, spying a carnival at Tem-peh Marketplace. They surrendered their weapons and entered. Wandering the grounds, Sports Authority was drawn in by the games, while Mae Lin and Krunk Mayhem sensed something more sinister. They met with The Ringmaster, an AI from Area 52 tasked with maximizing human pleasure and enjoyment. The entire carnival appeared to be a diabolical trap to draw increasing numbers of victims into the web of a rampant AI, an AI designed to placate and pacify human enemies of a United States government long since gone in the wake of the Big Mistake. The group left the Marketplace, vowing to return, but not before telling the AI of a concentration of humans at Skyharbor Airport.

I missed my chance. . .

Shadowsworn Adam has been narrating our crazy adventures in the post apocalyptic land of metro Phoenix. The game is gonzo and insane. Like anything goes insane. I’m not going to waste your time and mine providing a recap that Adam has already done. Instead, I’m going to lament my missed opportunity.

First, don’t misunderstand. I like Sports Authority. The character is crazy and outlandish and fits perfectly with the setting. But after last session, it occurs to me that I missed a golden opportunity. During our last session, we spoke to a nerd that had survived the apocalypse and had assumed the identity of Aragorn.

Honestly, this blew my mind. I realized I had missed a golden opportunity. And do you know what that opportunity was? I could have played as Elric! That’s right, the White Wolf of Melnibone. Sure, maybe he’s just a mutant from our earth that has assumed (intentionally or otherwise) that fictional identity. Or maybe he’s a creation of the infinity earths that had created the singular event that caused the apocalypse. Either way, I missed the opportunity.

I could have been carrying a singing black sword that acted on its own (psychic powers from being a mutant easily translate to witchcraft thematically if I want it to). I could have been an albino at the end of time. Mistake noted. If Sports Authority dies, I know what I’m going to play next.

Episode 30 – Mailbag Dos: Last Train to Hell

Well amigo, the hour is nigh. You can only outrun the law for so long and then they put a silver bullet, dipped in holy water right between your fuckin’ shoulders. Now I hear that forlorn cry in the distance compadre, the sound of that one way ticket to Hell come to carry me away. I guess I’ll lay here in the dirt, waiting for El Diablo Maior to come carry me away, and you can read me this here letter from my dear ol’ paw back east. He knew I’d never make nuthin’ of myself. I never was very booksmart. Now, I’ll answer whatever he asks, but you gotta get word back to him ya hear? Is is a deal amigo? *cough cough*

In this SUPER LONG episode Brendan and Ben are met at the creepy crossroads of fate by the Grim Reaper himself taking a stroll with the Warlord Amanda. We get to talkin’ about our takes on some queries put to us by devoted listeners. We hope you’ll take a listen and walk with us for a while.

Art by Rich Nerdgore, music by Legion, Slayer and Ghost.

FMRPG Presents: The Shadowsworn Radio Hour Episode 007 – Sick Podcast Brah!

Adam and Brendan got together this week to watch Forever Knight and record a podcast. In the process of doing this Brendan became increasingly aware that he was coming down with some kind of malady. Instead of cancelling and putting of the show until such a time as he could assemble words into cogent sentences, he instead decided to “power through.” These are the tapes. Listen and judge for yourself.

Music by Our Lady of Shadows, Rollins Band, Fred Molin, and Knife Party

Gamma World Part Deux

We rejoined our intrepid heroes as they went ice skating at the Polar Ice. After a brief intermission, they reached level 2. Hooray!

They were rejoined by Sports Authority, the Mind Breaker/Telekinetic they had abandoned at The Junction.  The reunited party moved further into the ruins of Meesa, following along the US-60 by way of the canals running alongside it.

The trip ran afoul of a group of dragonflies and some mutated jumping cholla. A long and savage combat ensued. Much healing was spent. Powers were used.  Eventually the group triumphed over their foes, searching the area and finding a lighter and a ceiling fan, which they surmised was some manner of shield. Into the wagon the new junk went.

They reached an agreement to head to Ookmans, where they had heard the settlers there were having problems with a warlord named Baby Eater. They decided to skip Golfland/Sunsplash, as it was rumored a race of frog men ruled that blighted place.

Meeting the representative of the Ookmans settlers, a young lad named Aragorn, they began to bargain. Aragorn told them a tale of woe. How Baby Eater and his raiders had attacked their village, and the defenders sacrificed their lives to protect the walls made of comic book long boxes and stacks of books. He offered them many replica weapons to aid their quest, none of which seemed like they would withstand any real use. Eventually he offered a key to Ostco, we he promised many treasures awaited. Sports Authority grew annoyed dealing with Aragorn, but refrained from killing him.

The group left for Ostco, visions of treasures in their heads. Entering, they were beset by a pair of Pig men and their radioactive lizard mounts. Throwing caution to the wind, Sports Authority charged into battle. For his trouble, he was tag teamed by the pig men, who dropped him with startling efficiency. Mae Lin rushed to his aid, dropping one of the pig men in one blow, in a graphic and unsettling fashion. She saved Sports Authority from certain death, while Krunk Mayhem sent his doppleganger in to run interference. They bested their foes and searched the ruins of Ostco, finding Omega tech. Krunk Mayhem at last found a pair of binoculars, which he had been searching for. Then Sports Authority rolled a 1 on his search, dropping the binoculars on the floor and shattering them. The dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.

In this session we got a lot more use out of Alpha mutations, and saw some interesting critical rolls and critical fumbles. The game is really bizarre and out there, which is exactly what I had hoped for. We even had someone from another table come over and ask us about the game, and he was interested and amused by our antics. All in all, Gamma World is running exactly how I had hoped it would. It is weird and wonderful.

The first real session of Gamma World

Session recap:

The players met with Mayor Cluck Cluck, his robot assistant, EVA, and the people of Junction. Simple farmers. People of the land. The common clay of the west. You know. Morons. They learned people were disappearing, and everyone suspects the Carrion Feeders, a raider gang, and Baws Hawg. Krunk Mayhem mostly kept it together in the face of the giant chicken,

From there they went out to investigate the scene of Steve’s disappearance. They fought a couple of blood birds. Krunk Mayhem got pecked. Mae Lin was mostly immune to their attacks. Searching the area, Mae Lin accidentally caused an explosion and Krunk accidentally triggered a trap. They were rewarded for their efforts with Twinkies, which the apocalypse cannot stop.

Moving on, they headed off into GLBT, enticed by a sign for Vertuccio Farms. They made a brief stop at the ME DEPOT (Home Depot), fought some coyote men, and Krunk Mayhem was captured by a Raider named The Ronald. The Ronald bragged about how smart he was, and how he was building a wall and making other people pay for it, and how as a Raider chief he was able to impress women and grab them by the pussy. He took Krunk to Superstition Springs Mall, his base of operations.

Forced to fight a displacer beast along with some other unfortunate captured denizens of the wasteland, Krunk Mayhem slipped away into the ventilation system. Mae Lin infiltrated the base, tried to start a slave rebellion, and disguised herself as a raider. The Ronald tried to impress her with his title and authority. The party was reunited and slipped away.

Moving on to the farm, they found sentient foodstuff who were trying to convince the party to eat them. They escaped to the farmhouse, were they learned the terrible truth. The corpses of the previous owners were lashed to chairs, where they had been force fed by the creatures, who reproduce by being eaten and having their seeds spread. The food became a lot more demanding about being eaten at this point. Mae Lin got a combine working and mowed them down.  The party left and headed toward Polar Ice.

At Polar Ice, they met Doctor Frozen, who wants to turn all of Phoenix into a frozen tundra using his nuclear powered Zamboni. The party offered to find him fissile materials at ASU. Many ice puns were had. He showed off his gallery of frozen corpses.