035 – FMRPG: BANGERS ONLY!

BECAUSE YOU’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH GAWD DAMMNIT.

Brendan and Adam return from the badlands to bring you more fresh takes on roleplaying games, Star Wars, comic cons, miniatures wargaming and of course… more roleplaying games.

Don’t call it a comeback, tonight we’ve got BANGERS ONLY, BITCH.

The 4th writing. . .

As Zalam recalled the night of his embrace, he burned with hatred. This hatred was scalding hot, so fiery that he could barely contain himself. He yearned to bury his blade in Claudius Giovanni along with the rest of the Conspiracy of Isaac. And topping that list, Augustus Giovanni. He breathed quietly to himself: “One day, I will have my revenge.”

The truth was that Zalam had never felt powerlessness like he felt that night, even back in his days at the orphanage. His twisted birth was at the hands of the orphanage. But the misery he had experienced during the Feast put that birth to shame. Just what kind of twisted abomination would be born from the Feast?

Zalam thought back to his recent dreams. Just who was the man in black whose hatred matched his? The power that man wielded seemed born from an infinite hatred that spanned eons. Zalam was no stranger to power born of hatred. For Zalam, his course seemed set. And yet, here he sat captured by the enemies of his enemies.

If only Zalam could convince them of his desire for vengeance and his alignment with whatever goals they had. He would use all his flowery language to speak on his behalf against the Conspiracy. He had to hate the Conspiracy more than his captors, after all, he was a victim of their depravity. And every night, he would forever wake with the marks of that depravity, reminding him of his impotence against their power.

Further, Zalam hated his new awakening. He hated his loss of control. He prided himself on being a monster, but a monster in control. Whatever they had done to him that night, they had taken his control. Zalam vowed to not lose himself again. Zalam would beat back the monster inside himself. He would control it. He would use it. He would allow it to rage only when it suited him.

And finally, Zalam thought of his fellow captives, all victims of the Conspiracy. He knew that he could not be alone in his desire for vengeance. Would his companions join him in his campaign of vengeance? If they would not, so be it. But if they stood in his way? They were as good as dead.

Warhammer 40,000 Armies Review

There is a lot of debate in the Warhammer 40,000 community about which army is the “best”.  Usually it depends on the current shape of the tournament scene scene, which codex was released most recently, and the scenario being played. I believe we can now call the argument settled, however. The best army is…

The Ultramarines. Period.

Smurf marines are the greatest army in the history of ever. They are the only Space Marine army that ever had their own Citadel paint color: Ultramarines Blue.

“But, Adam, that is clearly untrue. What about Dark Angels Green?”

Oh, you mean little bitch green?

“And Space Wolves Grey?”

Little bitch grey?

“But, Adam, I really like my army, the…”

Let me break this down for you:

Other Space Marines: Little bitches
Eldar: Pointy eared little bitches
Dark Eldar: Emo pointy eared little bitches
Chaos: Little metal band reject bitches
Tyranids: Little bug bitches
Imperial Guard: Little flashlight bitches
Necrons: Little bitch bots
Tau: Little anime bitches
Orks: Orks are pretty dope. They are all right.

It wasn’t always this way. There used to be room for debate, but what sealed the deal for me was this:

https://www.warhammer-community.com/2017/02/03/march-for-macragge/

Look at this shit. Feast upon it with your eyes. It is beautiful. Roboute Guilliman is back. He is here to fuck up everyone’s day. Lets just take a trip through his abilities:

He has his own special gear: the Armour of the Fates and the Emperor’s sword. That is right. He carries the sword of the Emperor of mankind. Does he need it? No. He can kill every other model in the game with his bare hands.  Look at this blonde haired, blue eyed, ubermensch looking fucker. I’m sure seeing this model gives Richard Spencer a boner.

He automatically passes all leadership tests.

He automatically wounds on all hits.

He automatically hits.

He counts as HQ, Elite, and a Troop choice.

His penis counts as a power weapon

He gets 400 attacks per turn. 401 if he is in close combat and can use his penis.

He cannot be wounded, ever.

He immediately claims all objectives on the board as soon as he is placed on it.

If the opposing player so much as looks at the model, they are struck blind.

If anyone in the gaming store fails to take a knee in reverence when you reveal the model, they are immediately killed.

You don’t deserve to field this model. No one does. He has changed the game forever. You field this model and everything dies everywhere. Game over.

Ultra. Marines.

034 – Talking Palladium with EyeProfet, Megaversal Ambassador

Oh man, this episode is late, so very very late! We were supposed to have this bad boy posted on the 15th, and now it is the 23rd! Sorry everyone!

Anyway, in this belated episode we sit down with EyeProfet, one of the hosts of Gloryhoundd and the Uninvited Gamers and discuss Palladium gaming including Rifts, Beyond the Supernatural and the good old TMNT tabletop RPG from the halcyon days of the first eighties. We wax nostalgic (as usual) and Brendan insists on making everything about Nightbane. Enjoy!

Writing Number 3

When one has tread into the depths of both the criminal underworld and the occult, a sixth sense, an intuition is born. It was with this intuition that Zalam, newly awoken from a dream that he can only describe as fantastical and likely prescient in some fashion, that Zalam found himself with the strange desire to take a walk in the cold, damp air in the middle of the night.

At first, he thought about the dream. But he could make neither heads nor tales of whatever meaning was intended for him through the vision.  And when he hit the cold air, his intuition served him yet again as he saw visitors approaching in the middle of the night. Zalam secreted himself so as to not disturb these visitors and to yet observe their passing.

To his surprise, it was Lothar and a young, foreign girl. Zalam’s eyes followed the young girl. It was readily apparent that all was not what it seemed with her. As they passed Zalam, it seemed like she even saw him hiding in the darkness while Lothar was oblivious. And to Zalam’s surprise they entered not only the inn but went directly to Zalam’s room.

Zalam followed them, as they returned to their horse unable to find their objective who was at this point watching them and doing his best to listen to any clues as to why they sought him in the middle of the night. And son the most intriguing of discoveries. The young woman was dressed in clothes that certainly did not seem like they matched the cold. And he could not see her breath in the cold air no matter how hard he squinted. Lothar’s was readily apparent, but hers was nowhere to be seen.

At this point, Zalam made a choice. He revealed himself to inquire as to why they sought him. In truth, it did not matter what they said. He would seize on it for a chance to investigate this girl. Intuition can be a shockingly powerful thing. Who would know that with that one decision, Zalam would come face to face with the puissance he desires so greatly?

And so Zalam found himself in Castle Giovanni, a depraved manse in the middle of nowhere. In the middle of the depravity, the young girl, Nouri, revealed her true nature to him. Nothing could have prepared him for such a revelation! He knew how dangerous his situations was.  How could he not? But his goal was so close. And so he followed Nouri into the depths of the castle.

He was not disappointed. He saw monsters the like of which he hadn’t imagined could truly exist. He even incurred the wrath of one such monster only to have its hand stayed by one who calls himself Augustus. And what did Zalam learn of Augustus? He was in possession of everything he desired! Power over death! Mystical power over the dead! How could Zalam not crave what Augustus demonstrated? But Augustus laughed and denied Zalam this future that he wanted.  And after Augustus performed a divination of Zalam’s future, Zalam was left with one word, one name: Yocalo before he was rendered unconscious.

Old man, I hope you are one day in a position in which Zalam has something you desire. Then Zalam can merely chuckle and announce that such things are not for you.

Writing Number 2

And we continue with more of Zalam’s impressions of his companions:

 

Zalam was not disappointed. Meeting more of the soon to be Gala’s guests has been a special pleasure for Zalam. He wonders at just what individual can bring together such a disparate group. He looks forward to meeting Claudius Giovanni.

First, there is the Local. He has all the bearings of the these moldy country lords, while likely not exactly one of them himself. Zalam cares little for this little lord. But his friend? The one that we shall refer to as the HIdden?

At first, the HIdden seemed like a run of the mill, foreign noble. But to Zalam’s surprise, his mask was jarred loose by another of the guests, the Roman.  During the evenings festivities, the Roman told a captivating story of a fallen noble, one whose heart matched Zalam’s. The Hidden reacted poorly to this tale. It seems the Roman was sharing with others the tale of the Hidden’s past.  The hidden was quick to denounce and attempt to extricate himself from this portrait of the Roman’s, but if it proves truthful, Zalam should like to make the Hidden’s aquaintance.

The Roman. A man who seemed more interesting than he turned out to be. Zalam thought initially that the Roman might prove to be something of a kindred spirit or at least a potential ally. But who should think that when he was revealing the HIdden, he revealed himself to be upright, boring, and utterly uninteresting. At least there is the Slave.

The Slave harkens from Zalam’s home state. Zalam seems this one as dangerous. If this one truly was one of the devout, how could he coexist with this group of miscreants? Especially the Entertainment. Should the Slave recognize the not so hidden Entertainment, Zalam could find himself on the losing end. He must occupy this Slave’s sight. He must serve to hide his companions.  Otherwise this Slave might prove troublesome.

It is with this in mind that Zalam helped the Entertainment pursue his fiendish pleasures. It is with this in mind that he kept the Slaves attention on himself rather than any of his other companions. And it is with this in mind that his eyes secretly follow the Slave.

Writing Number 1

I have been slacking in that I have not posted my writings like I said I would. Here is the first writing:

The night was cold and damp. For Zalam, away from his creature comforts and servants, it was a time to reflect on his purpose for accepting the invitation of Claudius Giovanni.  Why accept this invitation to go to the middle of nowhere and risk his life for a ridiculous part in the middle of nowhere? After all, Zalam is not stupid. He has heard of the horrors that await an unwary traveler on the roads in this moldy, old country.

But Zalam was nothing if not ambitious. He holds high hopes of becoming something far greater than a criminal, even one high up on the food chain in the criminal world. Earthy pleasures and comforts were close to meaningless to him. They served more to establish an image in other’s eyes rather than for his amusement. So why accept this invitation?

In a word, intuition. Zalam has attempted to cultivate his understanding of the shrouded occult. And when an opportunity comes knocking, one that tickles his deepest pursuit, he will not be found wanting. And then there are his “companions” on the journey. They have cemented his belief in the fact that this journey is beyond the pale and not a simple debauched party.

There is the Dealer in antiquities that shows a devout exterior. He passes off forgeries and blasphemies to those that know no better. Even though the dealer believes himself to be hidden and above reproach, to Zalam his tricks are obvious and entertaining. Surely this dealer doesn’t think that he has been invited because he has some legitimate reliquaries for sale? After all, if Zalam sees through him he thinks it likely that others, like their host, will as well.

Then there is the Entertainment. With Zalam’s past, it is easy for him to recognize a true killer, especially one that does little to hide his nature.  And he is also a guest invited to this gala. Zalam sees in this one a kindred soul to a certain degree. And he also sees one who is experienced with death as he is, one who has caressed the dying to see their last breath up close. What observations he must have! He will use this one to further his own understanding.

And then there is Lothar Giovanni, the one that invited them. His mask is easy to penetrate. He is no less a killer than the Entertainment or Zalam. One like this serves a master who in turn had invited this group of miscreants. Why should Zalam not be intruiged?

Gamma World – Man down

We met for Gamma World again, though we were down a man, so I had to quickly throw something together. I had this idea (it was a really one note idea) that if needed I could run as a session when one of the players disappeared.  With that background, I tossed something together for Mae Lyn and Krunk Mayhem.

Our session started with the trio surveying the carnage wrought by the leviathan in the wake of the battle of the bros. That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. Our heroes, if we can call them heroes at this point, stood in awe of the great beast, when a beam of light descended and sucked Sports Authority into the air, like in Fire in the Sky or Whitley Strieber’s Communion, which I was incorrectly attributing to Ridley Scott the entire time. Whatever, it is all aliens.

Surveying the landscape, a now winged Mae Lyn (yay, alpha flux!) started to sing A Whole New World From Aladdin after rolling very poorly. Krunk Mayhem fared better and saw a crashed saucer in a nearby building.  Could it be connected? Of course it is. Off they went.

Inside the saucer they met a little gray alien by the name of Probeulon15783754EXC, though he told them they could call him Probeulon15783754 for short. Attempts to refer to him as Probe-y or Probeulon were rebuffed. And thus began the theme of the session: One long “joke” about aliens probing rectums. I am hilarious and clever.

Eventually coming to terms with ol’ Probe-y, the now dynamic duo were about to be sent into orbit aboard the alien mothership to locate Sports Authority. They acquired some guns that would allow them unlimited ranged shooting aboard the craft (because science reasons, and because there hasn’t been much gunplay in the game). A side mission was to find cleaning fluid for all of Probeulon’s various probes, which he had run out of on account of his gratuitous probing. Another side mission was to kick some ass on the mothership because, “Those guys are all dicks.”

With a good enough reason in hand, the party was teleported away.  Boarding the alien craft, they wandered the hallways, finding some aliens with which to do battle. This was a hard fought encounter, particularly for Mae Lyn. It was very close at several points and swung wildly back and forth. Encounter design for two players is a pretty dicey proposition. With worse rolls from the enemies the player’s would have steam rolled it. If a couple other rolls had gone in favor of the baddies, the party would have wiped. Battling against lasers and probes and laser probes, it was rough.

After the fight some spectacularly bad rolls resulted in them disabling gravity on the ship. A roll of 1 followed by another 1 trying to fix the first failed roll. They bounced around the ship, finding cells holding other prisoners, who they released. The prisoners led our duo to the probing room, where they hoped to find Sports Authority. Entering the facility, another fight broke out. And by broke out, I mean they walked into the room, rolled initiative, and were promptly dropped in two hits by Rocket Drones. Those things are insanely overpowered for level 3. Glass cannons. Since the drones won initiative on a roll of 20 and they have a blast recharge power it was a hilariously lopsided battle.

Gravity restored, Mae Lyn and Krunk Mayhem awoke on the probing table. Mae Lyn used her new dominate Alpha mutation power to great effect, while Krunk Mayhem rolled another 1 and hurt himself struggling against the restraints. Mae Lyn charged the now reduced in strength enemies, but also rolled 1 and smacked her head on some probing equipment.  The rolling was very uneven this session.

Luckily the rocket drones could no longer roll a hit so this encounter was a steamroll in the opposite direction. The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

Finally rounding up some aliens who were unarmed, and with a solid science check, our heroes could communicate with the aliens. They told Mae and Krunk a story of how none of them really wanted to be there and they were just doing this job for the benefits and how no one liked Dave, which was Probeulon’s real name. Inquiring about Sports Authority, the aliens confessed that Sports Authority had begun eating them as soon as he came on board, so they locked him in the room with the abduction beam and called it good.

Reunited (and it feels so good?)  our newly reforged trio grabbed the probe disinfectant jelly and headed to the transporter room. The aliens, all battered and bruised by the party as they ravaged the ship, were happy to see the PCs depart. Sports Authority continued chewing on an alien the entire time.

Back in Tempeh and talking to Probeulon, our heroes agreed to go after the cult operating out of Sun Devil Stadium who had stolen the gigantic probe intended for use on the leviathan. A drawing of the probe firing mechanism resulted in something looking like the Navigator from Alien. At this point the alien offered the heroes some of the leathery eggs he had collected from an intergalactic hunting craft, and we reached peaked pop culture references for this session and called it done.

It was weird, it was wild. It was Gamma World.

Back on the horse

Recently I made the grave decision I know I will soon come to regret of getting back into miniatures gaming. Not content to constrain my folly to a single game line, I have opted to start in on Infinity and Warhammer 40,000. I do this because I am a masochist to some degree. That or I hate money. One of the two. Possibly both.

I call this back on the horse and not back in the saddle because this is plastic heroin. I’m not bravely setting out on some journey of self discovery, I’m retreating back into a hobby that I know will end in rapidly escalating competitiveness, hard as nails lists, hurt feelings, massive blow ups of friendships, and finally dumping all of my collected figures either into the attic or on ebay. There is no other path.

One could argue restraint would win the day, but I am incapable of it. Already since making this decision I have spent:

$70 on an Infinity starter set
$65 on Warhammer Kill Team
$150 on  Death Masque
$50 on Codex Deathwatch
$40 on Codex Necrons
$50 on paints (and this is a fraction of what I actually need)

I started this back up last Friday and I am already $425 into this pit and showing no signs of slowing down, let alone stopping. I’ve got a list of stuff I want for my Deathwatch Kill Team and Necron army that easily doubles that number. It gets worse when I consider I’m flirting with the idea of buying a Flesh Eater Courts starter box for Age of Sigmar and heading down that path to depravity as well.

I’m not writing this because I want sympathy. I don’t want anyone to stop me. I just want to serve as a warning to others. Teach your kids about the dangers of miniatures gaming before someone else does. Or get them into it because they won’t have money for drugs.

And now some red meat: Pictures!

 

Episode 33 – “Fresh” Takes – Sharp Swords & Sinister Spells

Happy New Year Muthaphuckaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhsss!!!

Well, 2016 has been a long and bloody one but we manged to end it on a high note, reviewing Diogo Nogueria’s Sharp Swords & Sinister Spells available from Drive Thru RPG. We get salty about Vampire – the Giovanni Chronicles, Warhammer 40k and Star Wars: Rogue One and Full Metal Ben and Shadowsworn Adam deal out some very “fresh” takes.